MADONNA WON'T GO SOUTH OF THE EQUATOR THIS TIME OF NIGHT

We hear the real reason for Madonna pulling her Australian tour is because she's realised that she'd be coming a poor second to the women from the Sheila's Wheels advert. Even though they're not a real band, and actually consist of three ladies from Clacton whose Australian accents reflect a long time watching The Young Doctors while waiting for a call from their agents.

Her given reason, though, is a little weak:

"Please forgive me. Unfortunately, the logistics just didn't work out this time around. You remain in my heart."

So, there you have it - it's just too difficult to work around and book the anti-kangaroo jabs and everything. But don't worry, Australians - we're sure she'll send you a bill for £100 just for being in heart.

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