Friday, September 22, 2006

Who's the sucker?

Strange tales from The Sun's Bizarre this morning, where they report that Russell Brand has done it with Henry the Hoover. They know because, erm, he said so on "his BBC Radio 6 podcast". Which means it's taken them from Sunday to Friday to download the audio and play it. Let's be generous and assume Victoria Newton was having trouble installing the iTunes update, shall we?

Even so, it seems to have escaped the paper's notice that Brand is a comedian, and as such perhaps not everything he says should be taken quite at face value. Even if that face is the cheery little squint-box of Henry the Hoover.

The way the creaky story is written up is quite eye-opening in itself:

But the outrageous comedian’s latest love confession will really blow you away.

We think this is meant to be a pun, although it doesn't quite work, what with Henry being a sucking device. It's not totally the paper's fault, though, as the erroneous use of "blow" in blow job doesn't help.

Deviant Brand has admitted he once enjoyed a sexual liaison with a HE — and his name was HENRY.

But it gets worse.


Sorry? The "it gets worse" suggests that you might think there's something "wrong" about men having sex with men - an impression not entirely dissipated by the use of the word "deviant" in the first sentence. Is the Sun being sub-edited from 1954?

I should probably leave the specifics to your own imagination. But put it this way, Russell was the plug to the hoover’s socket.

That doesn't even make sense - you could have said "Russell found a whole new use for the hose attachment" or "Henry found himself cleaning some crevices which vacuum cleaners shouldn't see" or something.

Is there no end to Brand’s depravity? He’s previously boasted about doing it with a woman 30 years older than him (he’s now 31). And he claims to have bedded five women in just one day.

Sorry... did she just suggest that having sex with someone older than you is in some way "depraved"? That would make Catherine Zeta-Jones the most kinky beast on earth, wouldn't it?

It’s just a shame vacuum cleaners can’t come forward to kiss and tell.

You could just make something up. It's what you'd normally do.

The paper missed the really big story, though: when Russell's then-partner Dusty Bin found out, he was furious.

[Plug: You can have your own Henry. But please don't get carried away trying out the "robust construction" and "Hi/Low control on brush head"]


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's actually an incredibly stupid comment for him to have made, it's also a complete lie.

The amount of suction coming from a vacum cleaner can do serious damage should a male 'implant' himself within the nozzle and hit the 'on' switch.

However, if the feeling you're after is one of having your cock strapped to the back of a car as it pulls away at 25 miles an hour, go for it.

simon h b said...

But the whole point, anonymous, is that Brand was making a joke - a joke which the Sun has taken at face value and reported as fact

Anonymous said...

Yes,I know that, but there are lonely men out there who will now have been given a new idea when it comes to relieving their loneliness....and casualty wards across the country will find themselves on the brunt of the results....

Mecha Eggzilla said...

people (who don't get jokes) imitating brand... something tells me theyll need a lot more than just medical help!

flaaart said...

rather a literal interpretation of pulling yourself off then.

Chris Brown said...

You can't really blame them for not noticing that he's a comedian though can you. It's not as if he's ever actually funny.

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