The remorseless demands of The Sun production schedule has finally given Victoria the chance to provide the all important coverage of Heather Mills' exit from Dancing With The Stars:
Are you suggesting, Victoria, that five weeks in, the American public suddenly went - en masse "Woah... that's the lady who has been mean to Paul McCartney... pass me the phone, Ethel"? Or rather than "seeing sense" and "booting her off", all that's happened is that someone in a competition where people are voted off one-by-one has only made it through to the middle of the series?
So, rather than "seeing sense" and "booting her off", erm, actually she was eliminated because she wasn't very good this week?
Mills doesn't help herself much, does she?
Mills really doesn't help herself much.
As, you know, one of those joke things, we imagine. Although Heather wasn't "a star guest" - she was billed as "fifth eliminated celebrity from Dancing with the Stars." We hope for her sake that the appearance on Kimmel wasn't written into her Stars contract.
She could have met Iggy Pop if she'd gone on. Maybe they'd have even hit it off.
"Dubbed Lady Mucca" by, erm, Victoria and nobody else in the entire world, of course. Newton then details Kimmel's rather weak sketch (woodpeckers attacking Heather's prosthetic leg, that sort of thing) which, of course, must have been prepared in advance of the show knowing that Mills was (a) the one voted off this week and (b) wasn't going to appear, so would have been conceived in the spirit of "good-natured joshing" rather than "ridicule".
Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
We're not quite sure if Newton is saying that about the audience member being hit by the leg, Mills not appearing on Kimmel, or Mills being voted off, but the motivation is secondary. A journalist on a national newspaper has just filed copy which ends with "good riddance to bad rubbish, I say". Where do you go from there, Newton? Should the Sun's subs be checking the correct spelling of "nyaah nyaah ni-nyaah nyaah"? Are you going to have an alternative photo byline with you sticking your tongue out? The next time one of your exclusives turns out to be built on sand, you could end it with "and then I woke up and it was all a dream."
And then I woke up, and it was all too horribly real.