Gordon Smarthands over the main slot on Bizarre this morning to bring us news from the Scrubs, where "prison inmates" tell him Pete Doherty is buying heroin - on credit, apparently, so someone's managed to avoid the credit crunch - and there's pictures, too, to back it up.
Well, actually, not quite to back it up - what "crime reporter" Anthony France is running is photos of Pete staring into space (or, possibly, listening to someone) and, erm, cleaning his teeth.
It's sad to hear that he might be using heroin again, although the only source seems to be this "other inmate" who clearly doesn't like Doherty and has an agenda as poorly hidden as a camel in saddlebag:
The inmate said: “He usually signs his name next to a scribbled smiley face with a trilby.”
There's a couple of things missing from the story - first, given that both Gordon Smart and his ambitious number two Pete Samson have been insisting that Doherty needed to go to jail otherwise it would "send the wrong message" that drugs are okay, since the paper is now saying that he's up to his eyes in heroin inside, you'd have thought one or other of them might have penned a short piece suggesting they might have been wrong that sending a drug addict to a jail full of drugs might be a way to deal with addiction problems.
More curiously, the Sun - which usually gets all exercised about prisoners being allowed to get away with stuff - doesn't seem to be that bothered that a camera has been floating inside the prison, and doesn't indicate if the person who took the pictures was rewarded with Rupert Murdoch's money for breaking prison rules. Or do breaches of prison security suddenly cease to be important when they deliver scoops for Gordon Smart's column?
Gordon, meanwhile, was constructing a humorous gag: Under the headline
he reports not - as you might have thought - on splitting loverat lovesplit thesunrevealed Ashley Cole, but Cheryl lining up a possible solo career. Do you see what he did there?
Having painted the writing on the wall for Girls Aloud, Gordon suffers - can it be - a moment of self-doubt:
Maybe you're wrong, Gordon? Never. Or rather: Possibly, but you can just rewrite or delete any awkward stories that show you in the wrong and carry on as normal, can't
Back to drugged-up stars now, and Universal are meant to have told Amy Winehouse that if she doesn't clean up her act, they'll never release another of her album and, thus, never release her from her contract.
It could be true, although surely even someone working for a major label would understand that such a threat would take only a quick ten minutes with a solicitor and some European legislation to break out of?
Gordon attempts some, um, commentary:
Well, up to a point. They don't really need a loose-cannon who doesn't turn up to recording sessions, promotional events and who spends more time in the papers for her drug-taking than music-making; indeed, they might take the view that any further investment in Winehouse is merely going to eat into the profits made by her career to date.