Thursday, April 03, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Some things hurt more, much more than cars and girls

Lewis Hamilton and Dannii Minogue are having a secret date. It's on May 25th, in Monaco.

Admittedly, that's not very secret, is it?

It's also not very much of a story - despite a hopeful headline:

Get a vroom will you Lewis!

... the pair are still almost two months away from their first date, never mind touching. So there's a surprising amount of padding. We discover that Dannii "knows a lot" about cars - although there's no mention of how much Hamilton might know about second-string sibling pop. Of course, Dannii has breasts, which is always good for a line or two:
Nice to see she’s playing her cards close to her ample chest.

And, of course, Gordon needs to share his forecast for this relationship:
Lewis clearly knows his way around shiny bodywork and Dannii is in pole position. I reckon this pair could burn some serious rubber together.

Yes, they might screw each other, Gordon. Thanks for your insight.

But if 'couple arrange tentative date' is the big news, what does that imply about the rest of Gordon's work this morning?
Sexy stars and their lucky dogs

Yes, Gordon spends some time looking at photos of people with their dogs and tries to introduce a slightly disturbing sex angle:
IF I get reincarnated, I want to come back as a dog - they grab the attention of some of the world's sexiest stars.
[...]
So I'm praying it's a dog's life for me next time round.

But, Gordon, you know it's not like Jennifer Aniston has sex with her dog, or that Rhianna's dog doesn't think "waa-heeey" - because it's a different species. You do know that, don't you?
RIHANNA's lucky hound looks hot under the collar after being held tight by the singer when she stepped out in Hollywood.

Apparently not. The thing is, the dog in the photo doesn't even look like it's anything other than slightly scared, never mind "hot under the colour".


5 comments:

James said...

"Dannii is in pole position"

Anyone? A little help? Does that line actually mean anything, or was Gordon hoping to fire so many motor-racing references at us that we wouldn't notice that some made no sense?

Christopher said...

I'm guessing from his use of "shiny bodywork" as a compliment that that was probably the case. That Danniiiiii Minogue. So sexy and shiny...

simon h b said...

@james:
I have a horrible feeling - and wasn't prepared to say this while I was eating my breakfast - that Gordon is alluding to Lewis Hamilton's penis.

@christopher
Do you think Gordon sees having a shiny body a desirable thing in a human? "That Dannii Minogue, you can see your face in her arse..."

Christopher said...

I would imagine the closest Gordon gets to an actual woman is the photos he publishes in Bizarre, so he probably also liked them blurry and with red eyes.

Oh, and massive bangers obviously

Anonymous said...

BANGER RACING. well, i'm glad i got that off my ample chest...

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