Apparently unaware that he's flogging a one-note night rather than a four-day event, Noel Gallagher has launched into a Del Boy sales pitch for the Oasisabian tour of 2009:
At a press conference at Wembley Stadium, Gallagher said: "When Michael Eavis reads about this, he will shit himself. I wouldn't bother. This is where it is going to be at next summer.
"Glastonbury is great to be at but it's not really great for people like us to play at. You don't get on until 11 o'clock at night and by the time you get on, all the people that you are with are absolutely bladdered. I think it's better to be at than play at.
"The last time we did Glastonbury, I said I don't think we will ever do it again."
He added that there was something "weird" about playing in front of the "festival crowd" and that there were "not enough speakers".
Gallagher, who hit out at the decision to ask Jay-Z to headline Glastonbury last summer, said: "These gigs are going to be easily the gigs of next year, if not the decade. They are gigs that go down in people's memories... where they might meet their future wives.
"I give thanks that we're going to be headlining it and not just the heritage act before the young kids. Liam, on the other hand, will shit himself," he joked.
Noel seems confused - is he suggesting that Oasis would be natural headliners or mid-afternoon fodder? If he thinks that Glastonbury is better to be at rather than play at, is he suggesting that - since most of don't actually play at festivals - we should all go to Glastonbury or instead play a gig in a park in Manchester instead? And does he really think that anyone who still likes Oasis is really still so delectably marriageable they'll be pairing off in large numbers at Wembley? And... oh, there's just so many people supposedly shitting themselves... it all... need... to get outside...
... ah, that's better...