Oh, curse the Brits, and their late finish. What's a Gordon to do?
send in three writers to cover the event. Although that does end up with somewhat confused coverage:
By CARL STROUD,
and SOPHIE BARNETT
SINGING sensation DUFFY last night became Britain’s new Princess of Pop — scooping three glorious gongs at the Brit Awards.
But while she shone Britain’s biggest bands, COLDPLAY and TAKE THAT, were sensationally SNUBBED.
Hang about... Take That were only up for one potential prize, weren't they?
And were Coldplay really "snubbed"? Are Gordon's three little helpers seriously suggesting that people voted to be rude to Chris Martin rather than, say, for someone they liked more? And, given that two of the Coldplay nominations - Best Live Band and Best Single - were public-voted, isn't that less of a snub, more of an indication that while Coldplay's fanbase might be very, very broad, it's incredibly shallow?
But, let's be fair, "Coldplay turn out to be liked rather than loved" isn't much of a headline.
Still, it'd be more understandable than trying to work out how we've woken up this morning with the impression that Duffy is a living legend:
Her three gongs were the biggest tally of all.
Or, indeed, what Carl, Jess and Sophie thought they meant when they wrote that line.
It's possible they weren't thinking much, given their ability to miss a story:
I Kissed A Girl singer KATY PERRY, looking sensational in a skin-tight black leather outfit, went home with the International Female statuette.
She looked sensational, did she? To the casual observer, she looked like she'd just parachuted in from a field hospital in Flanders and was about to complete her death from consumption.
Elsewhere, Toni Jones ("Associate Fashion Editor" - what does that job title actually mean? Is 'associate' a fashion term for 'don't tell her she's not actually the'?) watched the stars arrive and listed their clothes:
KATY PERRY drew gasps from fans in a pair of (way too) skin tight America Apparel trousers, a Hello Kitty encrusted corset by The Blondes and shoes by Dolce Vita.
It's horrible when your kitty encrusts your corset just before you go out the house, isn't it? Especially when you don't have time to change.
The Associate Fashion editor doesn't actually explain how skin tight trousers can be too tight - surely something is either skin tight or isn't; if a pair of trousers were tighter than skin tight wouldn't they have to be inside your flesh? No wonder Perry looked rough.
But, you're wondering, where was Gordon?
Well, while the others were watching the event, Gordon was working. Working hard to squeak some quotes out of famous people. People like Bono:
Exclusive - Bono: I want to be in Girls Aloud
Hey, Gordon, putting 'exclusive' on that must mean that's quite a scoop you've got there, and it's not just a throwaway gag that Bono was making, right?
ROCK legend BONO last night wowed the Brit Awards — and joked that his ambition is to be the sixth member of Best British Single winners GIRLS ALOUD.
Something about Bono made Gordon feel a little funny. Can you spot what it was?
When Bono, who was wearing EYELINER, said he wanted “to be in Girls Aloud”, U2 bass player ADAM CLAYTON quipped: “Which one?”
Man wears make-up - sorry, MAKE-UP - before going on stage. That's certainly worth mentioning, Gordon. Let's hope nobody ever shows Smart footage of Billy Dainty in his pomp; it might just blow his mind.
Still, you know the great thing about Bono? If you're not really good at that interviewing lark, you can just switch your recorder on, transcribe the lot and - bingo! - page filled, job done:
“We see ourselves as contemporaries of bands like COLDPLAY, KINGS OF LEON, INTERPOL — and even Girls Aloud.
“We have been doing this a long time but I still get the same nerves about releasing an album as I did in the early days.
“The difference now is for new bands.
“They are under so much pressure to release their material for free.
“It’s different for us, we have a loyal fan base who buy our records.
“We can also make money from touring, thanks again to our fans, who go out and buy tickets.
“The danger in giving music away free is for writers.
“Where would Cole Porter be now?
“If you have to give away your work for free and you can’t play live, where do you earn the money?”
He added: “It’s an interesting time for music.
“Acts from this side of the pond are doing incredibly well.
“Tonight is a great example.”
Oh, bless: Bono not only thinks he's a young, thrusting band, he thinks that Coldplay and Girls Aloud are young bands, too.
You have to wonder if Gordon was nodding and trying to come up with some sort of response to Bono's random questions. ("Coal porter? Well... they still need coal for the power stations, so... um...")
But I know what you're wondering. Is there an awkward picture of Gordon hanging out with U2?
Funny you should ask.