Had Eminem hoped that his return to active service would be marked by signs that he's still culturally relevant, the discovery that this time round he's only been able to upset America's answer to Ant and Dec is going to come as something of a bit of a disappointment.
Yes, Nick Cannon, host of No, America Really Does Have Talent, isn't taking Eminem picking on Mariah Carey, Mrs. Cannon with a turned cheek. And so he wrote an angry blog.
Then he decided it might be better off to turn the other cheek after all, and the blog vanished. But not before the internet saw it and copied it down, word for word. Entertainment Weekly read it:
A sternly worded post this weekend on Cannon's blog, which seems to have since disappeared (hmm), dismissed Em as being "still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn't let him get to second base from 8 years ago" and summed up Relapse as Eminem "rapping about when he used to be hot...Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime."
I suspect the post might have been removed when Cannon walked out of his den, and told Mariah what he had done:
- Heh, I've really stuck it to Eminem; I ripped him a new one by telling him off
- That's nice, honey... what did you do?
- I was like, all, you're stuck in the past, rapping about things which were, like, important when you were important, eight years ago. Heh heh... and I'm like get something new, Mr. 2001...
- But... didn't you say he was rapping about me?
- Oh... um... shiiiiitt...
On the other hand, perhaps Cannon pulled the blog because he suddenly realised what this bit sounds like:
"I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world's most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey...You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you've made the ultimate mistake.
I'm sure Cannon loves his wife, and anyone would be angry and upset at that. And, yes, Eminem is odious when in full flow. But, really, Cannon, you believe that Eminem is picking on Mariah because she's black?
And - seriously - you think Mariah occupies some sort of she-Mandela position in the global pantheon?
one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color
An inexplicably popular singer, yes. Perhaps on a plane with Whitney Houston. But she's a slightly overelaborative singer; she's not Alice Walker.