Let us, for a moment, gaze into the black heart of Perez Hilton's soul, as he writes an apology for calling Will I Am a faggot.
Apparently aware that nobody believes a word he says, Hilton spends most of his apology stressing about how he really is apologising, no really, and it's all his idea:
"People make mistakes," he writes. "I have made many in my life, but this past week I have made more than I can count on one hand. I am sorry. And I mean it. No one is forcing me to write this. I am not feeling pressured to say this. I am speaking out because I realize that the last few days have been more hurtful to me - and many others - than the repeated blows I suffered to my head in Toronto this past weekend."
Perhaps, if you're really sorry, you might want to stop going on about how you got hit in the head. Because "I'm sorry, did I mention that I got punched?" seems a little less than genuine.
"I am NOT apologizing to GLAAD," Perez writes. "I could care less about them, my former employers. I am apologizing to the gay community, to anyone who was hurt by my choice of words, and to all the people who have ever emailed me to thank me for all that I have done to fight for gay rights over the last few years."
And that... that seems less to be an apology, more an attempt to try and project yourself as some sort of gay rights crusader, rather than a bloke who - when he thinks nobody is listening - hurls the word "faggot" round like an insult.
It might be easier to believe that Hilton is actually ashamed and sorry had he apologised before TMZ ran the video showing what he did to prompt the attack on him, rather than after.
It might be easier to believe if he didn't keep trying to change the subject to try and make himself the victim:
I am sorry that any good work I have done for promoting equality may be tainted by me reclaiming a hurtful word - that's been personally used against me and the gay community - to hurt someone that was verbally attacking me. It was stupid.
And you know who really needs to take a good hard look at themselves? Erm... everyone else, it turns out:
The "F" word will never be uttered from my lips again. Just as others use the "N" word to insult and hurt - or as part of their everyday speech - I challenge them to remove it from their vocabulary as well.
It's not that you said it, is it? It's that you thought it.
Still. The important thing is he's said sorry, and taken the chance to remind people - did he mention it? - that he got hitted:
Violence is never the answer. Never.
Victims should not be mocked.
To be fair, Perez, I think most of the world was laughing at your reaction - reaching for Twitter - rather than the whole being punched thing.
Pez doesn't want the world incorrectly labelling him homophobic. It's terrible, to do that to someone you know. Oh... hang on a moment... uh-oh, though: haven't you done that in the past?
I have reached out to Isaiah Washington, someone I incorrectly labeled a homophobe in the past, despite his own public statements that he was not.
Oh, well. That's alright, then.
By the way... did Perez Hilton mention what a great lot of good work he does for the gays?
I will be donating any money collected from my lawsuit against Polo Molina, road manager for the Black Eyed Peas, to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.
And I will continue to speak out for equality and support the great work done by LGBT organizations, such as LAMBDA Legal and HRC.
Perez: don't you think everyone might be a little bit better off if you stop speaking out? Maybe just for a little while?