Gordon Smart is in no doubt what the most important showbiz story is this morning:
Christine Bleakley makes rude jibe to Jedward
No! Surely not! Whoever thought we might have to respect Christine Bleakley?
Apparently, though, this is no snickering matter. Gordon is cross:
[B]ehind the pretty face there is a far less attractive side to the TV star.
It's true. If you ripped her face off, there'd be a less-attractive mixture of muscles and blood and... oh, you were being metaphorical.
Christine delivered a horribly cutting remark to harmless JEDWARD backstage at the National TV Awards on Wednesday night.
It's like kicking a kitten. Apart from kittens being lovable and cute.
So, steel yourselves: what was this remark, so cutting and horrible, that Bleakley apparently jibed out at Jedward?
The presenter, from Belfast, launched a Scud missile into the likeable pair just before they went on stage to perform their new single Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby).
Yes, yes, yes. But what was it?
Christine hissed: "You paint a bad picture of Ireland."
Yes, yes, yes. But what was the devastating scud missile cruel rudery rema... Oh. That was it?
I was hoping for something like "even combined, the pair of you barely contain enough DNA to make a crab" or "you're like a Doctor Seuss book brought to life - and that was shit enough when Mike Myers did it" or "is there actually a punchline to you, or are we just waiting for someone to arrive with the minibus to take you home?"
Still, let's not underestimate the hurt this mild rebuke might of caused. It was done in front of people:
There was a team of people nearby, including the twins' make-up artist, who heard what she said.
Oh noes - not mildly ticking them off in front of their own make-up artist? Oh, the humanity. (Actually, why didn't Christine take the opportunity to have a go at their make-up artist as well - the twins can't help it, but the make-up artist is choosing to send them out like that.)
Given that there isn't really much to say here, we're done, right Gordon?
I'm guessing that what Christine means is they could be accused of reinforcing the hateful old stereotype of the Irish as being a bit daft - which led to nasty Irish jokes some years ago.
Oh. We're not done. Seriously, Gordon? You've parsed Bleakley's line and decided that she was somehow trying to fuel an outdated national stereotype? Isn't it possible to say, for example, "you are an insult to journalism" without meaning "I think people should make cruel jokes about proper journalists"?
It's a bit of an extreme leap, even for a man trying to justify running a lame piece of backstage gossip as a big splash. It's even odder to find the Sun suddenly deciding that it doesn't like Irish jokes after all - in the past, objecting to those was described as 'bullying' and while cracking Irish gags was a fun way of relaxing for celebrities. Now Gordon and the paper decide they don't like Irish jokes after all? Politically correctness really has gone mad.
Everyone wants their nation to be portrayed in a good light. But in my book Jedward are just two entertaining young lads who wouldn't wish to offend anyone.
And, to the best of my knowledge, they are national treasures in Ireland.
It's not entirely clear how far Gordon's knowledge runs in this area. He ends with a Rodney King style plea:
They put smiles on a lot of people's faces.
How bad can that be?
Do they put smiles on people's faces, though? Aren't they - at best - making people smirk?