Richard White picks up the Bizarre baton for dealing with the minutiae of Cheryl Cole's life, and reports on her flying to LA:
BETRAYED Cheryl Cole jetted to Los Angeles last night - after swapping her wedding ring for a DECOY.
Yes, she went through Heathrow wearing a fake duck on her wedding ring.
Oh... apparently not:
She wore an enormous gold ring as she arrived at Heathrow yesterday, suggesting she was ready to forgive cheating hubby Ashley.
But the rock was NOT from her wedding - or even the second gem the footballer bought her in 2008.
To you or I, this might sound like she was wearing a different ring; to a hack from The Sun, it's a decoy.
We should call in an expert opinion, don't you think, Richard?
And one family friend said: "Cheryl's most treasured possession is her diamond wedding ring.
"She is refusing to wear it.
"The fact she has replaced it with a decoy is a big two fingers up to Ashley.
"To onlookers it looks like she's a married woman - but to Ashley it's a clear sign that she feels their relationship is in big, big trouble."
Yes, it'll fool outsiders. Except journalists, anyone who has ever bought a copy of OK!, anyone who reads people who spend their lives watching Cheryl Cole - in other words, anyone who might even give half a hoot.
If it was supposed to be a decoy, it's a bloody awful one.
While his people are stood staring at Cheryl Cole, Gordon busily mops up backstage at the Brits. And already the question is 'how can next year's be even worse than this years?' Here's one idea:
JAMES CORDEN wants a crack at hosting the Brits on his own next year - to try and better PETER KAY's effort on Tuesday.
To be fair, even James Corden could probably better Kay's effort. Although Kay was probably only about as bad as the previous hosts. Who was that again?
The Gavin & Stacey star had a go last year with MAT HORNE and KYLIE MINOGUE - but believes he can do better flying solo.
Ah, yes. Horne and Corden stank the Earls' Court up in 2009. But it turns out it was Horne holding Corden back - and not the lack of talent and rotting-cabbage of a script.
Meanwhile, it's interesting to see that even Gordon seems to have tired a little of Liam Gallagher's antics. While honking with delight at Kasabian and Noel's aftershow party (they drinked vodkas with Freddie Flintoff), he's less than impressed with what Liam did next:
IT looks like Brits host PETER KAY was spot on.
LIAM "Knobhead" GALLAGHER was thrown out of the backstage VIP bar minutes after making a fool of himself on stage.
Yes, it turns out his tiresome behaviour continued after he'd shambled offstage, pushing over a woman who had been painted silver to look like a Brit award. Another model intervened - he was spray painted gold (there's enough money sloshing about the music industry to pay people to humiliate themselves for the enjoyment of the rich, it turns out).
Liam faced a hard-hitting interview with Nicole Appleton on ITV2 shortly afterwards. Yes, one of All Saints, who you happen to be married to, on ITV2. It's hardly Face To Face, is it?
But even his wife wanted to know why he was attacking the hired help:
"I have been silvered before. I have been pushed over. But I got up and f****** carried on. He is sitting there going, 'Hey, you pushed my bird over!'
This might make a bit more sense if (a) Liam wasn't trying to justify attacking a woman and (b) we hadn't all seen the footage of the guy pushing Noel over and Liam running off to hide.
Liam has also been pushing buttons on his My First Computer to tweet about Kay calling him a dickhead:
"Listen up fat fuck. As a real northerner I was brought up to say shit to people's faces, not behind their back."
Liam, he didn't say it behind your back. He said it into a microphone, broadcast to the room you were standing in and six million people on TV. Perhaps you're such a "real notherner" (i.e. tiresome caricature) you don't understand how electricity works?