Gordon is styling his exclusive:
Shattered Cheryl collapses
- which is at least better than Collapsed Cheryl Shatters, because it's easier to scoop someone up than painstakingly reconstruct a person using a bag of bits and some strong glue.
So, she collapsed, you say, Gordon?
The pale singer, 27, fainted in a studio on Saturday.
Oh. Fainted. Perhaps she should try eating those KitKats she's so fond of advertising?
A doctor was rushed to the North London session and diagnosed severe exhaustion before ordering complete rest.
Well, you would be exhausted rushing round North London on a Saturday to go and see a woman who has had a bit of a swoon.
Oh... hang on, it's Cheryl who's exhausted? Oh.
Cole-Tweedy has now had the doctors sign her off The X Factor "until further notice".
Staff at the studio were stunned when the beauty arrived looking "washed-out" and "gaunt".
Yet she refused to postpone the session - insisting she would be fine despite a high temperature and nausea.
Hang about - high temperature and nausea? Those aren't actually symptoms of overwork, are they?
The star was diagnosed with severe exhaustion by a doctor who sped to the scene.
He ordered a complete rest from work and tests later showed she had a vicious gastroenteritis bug.
So she's got gastroenteritis? Sure, that wouldn't be helped by working too hard, but even if her job was sitting still listening to people sing, gastroenteritis would still knock you over.
So this story is 'woman gets gastric flu', not strictly the 'woman works too hard and falls over because Ashley Cole is evil' tale Gordon is trying to make it.
Not that this stops Smart lobbing one of his thinking pieces into the pot:
UNTIL today I thought Cheryl was handling her separation without breaking sweat.
She hasn't let her steely professionalism slip once since that halfwit footballer took leave of his senses and played away from home.
Thank God England are toss at football, eh, Gordon? Could you imagine if you were having to be nice to Ashley as we headed towards a World Cup final?
So: you thought it was all going so well. But this has changed your mind, has it?
But something had to give at some point, and this is the first real sign she isn't Superwoman.
Unless she is Superwoman and one of the current Sugababes line-up had smuggled Kryptonite into her L'Oreal.
If I've understood Gordon up to this point in his thoughts, he was convinced that everything was fine, but something had to give. Righto.
Gordon's aware that most of the country will be shrugging and finding it hard to be sympathetic:
For every reader grafting in a factory wondering what she's got to be exhausted over, it's a lot harder being the nation's favourite Geordie than it looks.
To be fair, if she's pulling double shifts being James Bolam as well, it's no surprise she's flagging.
X Factor is a big gig. The pressure is on all the time. Not just to be on her game with the acts, but looking perfect.
Won't someone pay somebody to do her make-up and pick her dresses out for her?
Then there's the touring and gigs. She doesn't just stand and sing.
She moves about the stage a bit - and let nobody fool you that opening and closing your mouth at the right point is simple.
There's the new album, recording sessions and promo. It doesn't leave much time for relaxation.
At this point, though, Gordon, your fictional factory worker might point out that Tweedy is incredibly rich, and if she chose to retire tomorrow, that would be fine, whereas a factory worker who feels it might all be a bit much has to carry on until death or retirement. Depending on what Osborne allows to come first.
The clock was ticking on the emotional turmoil timebomb. Now it has detonated she can deal with her demons properly.
That doesn't actually make any sense - 'my turmoil bomb has exploded in gastric flu, which means I can deal with my demons'.
I was out for dinner with Cheryl two weeks ago and she looked like she was burning the candle at both ends. Some time off will do her good.
You thought she was burning the candle at both ends, but - at the start of this thought piece - you said you thought she was coping well? Aren't those somewhat conflicting positions to hold simultaneously?
And if you thought you saw this coming... how come you kept quiet?