Bloody hell, one of The Corrs has turned up on Lottery doing a Simple Minds cover. That's not a good omen of anything.
It's an Andrea Corr. She says she's supporting Jedward which, judging by her career trajectory might be a gig billing rather than a tip for tonight.
I guess there's an outside chance that Blue could do well tonight, given that the sort of people who don't like Blue's sort of thing will probably be out.
A couple of moments in and I'm already on the corrections:
Simple Minds? It's Blue Nile's Tinseltown In The Rain she's done!Thanks, @sweepingnation
"Every camp moment" promises the continuity announcement, like a flier for an event which promises "fun for all the family".
Graham Norton announces the theme this year is "feel your heart sink". He might have said beat rather than sink, but having seen the trio of hosts on stage, I think "sink" might be it.
Graham Norton says the bloke is Germany's Simon Cowell. Looks more like Germany's Rufus Hound, actually.
Stefan frightens me a little.
Ooh! Last year's winner is doing a new song tonight, so she's not doing a reprise of the 2010 winner, but instead our hosts are going to do the song.
Anyone who has seen German light entertainment on a Saturday will know this is actually quite high-end for them.
Katie Boyle, it's safe to say, would never have got involved in business like this.
The whole thing is, in short, Germany saying "DO NOT VOTE FOR US TO WIN THIS YEAR. IN GOD'S NAME DO NOT MAKE US DO THIS AGAIN". Duly noted, Dusseldorf.
If they're running late by the end of the show, this will be the five minutes they could have jettisoned. Think on that.
The song has now gone into what's like a sequence from a Persil executive's wet dream.
Bringing on Lene lookalikes is a bit of a duff idea as I don't think any of us remember what she looks like.
Oh, that's what she looks like. Like Natalie Imbruglia's understudy.
Was this song this long last year?
I'm watching this on iPlayer this year. The BBC Parliament button is starting to look tempting already.
The two women presenters don't like each other, do they?
Their stadium has been turned into a Eurovision temple. You know, temples. Where people with misplaced faith have their hearts ripped out to appease the Gods.
Graham Norton running through the headlines - Dana International couldn't complete her semi and has been knocked out; Jedward, of course, did. Jesus, how bad must Dana's have been?
This year, you can vote as soon as the show starts. Why even go through the pretense of pretending to be voting based on the songs, eh?
The UK voting system is the sort of sophisticated affair used to elect David Cameron - i.e. there's a bunch of experts who will decide who wins but we can pretend we're taking part.
The phonelines are open. Do we really need to hear the songs, then?
Finland - Da Da Dum - Paradise Oskar
"I'm going out into the world to save our planet" simpers a boy from the Lower Sixth, singing a song that was clearly the hit of an assembly his school did about ecology.
Paradise has Jedward's hair, and the social conscience of a girl of fourteen. It's like having George Mobiot's child assault you with an acoustic guitar.
He's going to go out and save our planet, which is a big claim from someone who has trouble holding a note.
In an exciting bit of news, it looks like the official Eurovision server has fallen over
Bosnia & Herzegovnia - Dino Merlin - Love In rewind
Blimey, it's Jasper Carrot and Nadia Swalaha.
The lone trumpeter has clearly decided he's a "character" and is running about the stage like he's actually Gonzo.
This is Opus's Live Is Life played at half speed.
Denmark - A Friend In London - A New Tomorrow
That's a band name which is a desperate bid to try and swing a few northern European votes, isn't it.
Oh, I see, they're faux cockneys. It's like Danny Dyer bought some hairgel and brought A-Ha in as a backing band.
This song is the sort of thing - down to the title - which would be used in the 80s to advertise Telford New Town. I bet there's a verse about the great travel connections to Europe, and the new leisure centre.
The official Eurovision site says that when Bosnia's Dino played his semi final, he felt "frightened" by just how enthusiastic the crowd were. Really, Dino? Really?
Lithuania - Evalina Sašenko - C'est Ma Vie
"Straight out of musical theatre" promises Graham. Hurrah!
Oh, that's as in "the sort of song which would make you get up and walk... straight out of musical theatre".
Don't get me wrong, I like a little Elaine Paige.
Oh, hang about, this has taken a 'theme from Falcon Crest' direction.
What sign language is she doing? Is she signing in Lithuanian sign language, or British?
Graham's promising a spot of pop now. Duncan from Blue's favourite song is up next, he says.
Hungary - Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams?
Ooh, she's wearing the sort dress that Rachel Riley wears sometimes on Countdown. The sort where she looks really uncomfortable by the first numbers round.
There is a beat to this one. There, damned with faint praise.
Hang about... that colour, in silk, and the way it falls... she's trying to channel this-era Madonna, isn't she?
Ireland - Jedward - Lipstick
Or that joke really, really isn't funny any more.
The last time a fairly well-known duo did Eurovision, it was Tatu. They pretend to be lesbians.
Oh, God. It's a Pet Shop Boys tribute act doing Doctorin' The Tardis.
The song actually could be alright in the hands of an act who were in on the joke. Oh, god, can you imagine how long they're going to milk their career if they actually win this?
Get the phone number off the screen, BBC, it'll only encourage people.
Given that Ireland usually try to lose, this could really backfire on them.
Sweden - Eric Saade - Popular
That song name is a hostage to fortune, isn't it?
Nice to see German TV has found some Swedes who dress up as vikings for the intro film.
Eric is in a box. And in a fetishy t-shirt. And, apparently, in a high school popularity clique.
He's quite pretty. He's not Jedward. Yes, his song is dreadful - it's crawled from the corpse of a Boney M session - but HE'S NOT JEDWARD. Let's throw our weight behind Eric, and his light gay S&M fantasy set.
Over on Twitter, "Terry Wogan" is trending. Sorry, Graham.
Also, over on Twitter: @louisebolotin:
You people voted for that Jedward crap for weeks. Shame on you, fucktards #eurovision
Estonia - Getter Jaani - Rockerfeller Street
The song name isn't all that encouraging, is it?
And Getter is dressed like one of those sad-faced clown dolls you'd see in frustrated twentysomething women's bedrooms in the 1980s.
Is she actually singing "murder in the first degree"?
Her dancers are hiding behind the building sets. Obviously inspired by Stewart Lee as Godzilla from the other week.
She's got the London Eye in her video back projection. Is everyone desperate for our votes tonight?
Sideways dance up the stairs a la the Stutz Bear Cats there. Always a job open for Getter plugging the Esso Collection.
Greece - Loucas Yiorkas & Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance
Stereo Mike? Why does that fill me full of fear?
This, of course, is a country that George Osborne believes he stopped us being like, so let's look closely, shall we?
Ooh, the opening is doomy.
Mike is doing the world's most gravelly rap ever.
And now Loucas has come on, with something a bit operatic.
See, this is all you can afford when you've got austerity going on. You have to fashion a song out of whatever bits and pieces you've got left. Greece had a cracking Abba-style song ready to go, but the IMF took it. So, this, instead.
Can you sing? No? Then just RAP ANGRIER!
Russia - Alexey Vorobyov - Get You
Changing his name to Alex Sparrow after this "for the international market", which is a bit like me buying a pair of football boots for when I get signed by Manchester United.
So, it looks like Fonzie is still the absolute primo male archetype in Russia.
Isn't that the rat-faced one from The Apprentice doing backing dancing?
"Come on" pleads Alexey. "I'm coming to get you" he sings, like the sort of stalker who really enjoys the sending of the letters but doesn't really have the energy to go round the stalkee's house.
France - Amaury Vassili - Sognu
He's singing in Corsican, which at least marks him out as doing something a bit different. And he has a lot of hair. Much, much hair.
The entire continent is now going "isn't this from an actual opera? Does anyone know anybody who knows any actual operas? Is this really a new song" as one.
And the rest of the continent has that puzzled look you see on University Challenge contestants when there's an opera question: the "I think I sort of recognise this, but it might be anything. Carmen? Figaro? Is there an opera called Bidet?"
The French language is a thing of beauty. Corsica, it seems, got a slightly shitty stick.
Italy - Raphael Gulazzi - Madness Of Love
Italy haven't taken part in Eurovision for 14 years. Did anyone notice that?
A minor Eastender actor - one of the less popular Moons, or someone who isn't a Mitchell, perhaps - sitting at a piano, singing a slight song as if he was passing a particularly troublesome turd.
Perhaps they needed another year to come up with something.
It does have a bit of a jazzy ending, though, like the That's Life closing theme.
It seems like they've gone to adverts. If the Tories have their way, and the BBC is brought to its knees, we'd never get to see these interviews from the green room as we'd be having adverts, too.
Okay, so that's one good thing you can say for Tory broadcasting policy.
Switzerland - Anna Rossinelli - In Love For A While
Apparently, the songwriter found Anna in the streets. Not like that.
The glitteriest dress so far this evening.
It's all a bit 'hello, trees, isn't love wonderful' but, ironically, lacks any heart at all. It's also gone a bit na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
No time to finish the song, then.
Actually, this is probably the closest we've ever come to a Frente song appearing in Eurovision.
UK - Blue - I Can
Sending Blue to Eurovision is like turning up on Masterchef with an M&S Meal Deal.
They're all pointing. And have pictures of themselves without shirts on behind them. This is all a bit "yeah... we're Blue. Have you heard of us?"
To which Europe will reply, as one, "did you do that Christmas one with the bells? Stay, or whatever? That was better than this one. Oh, that wasn't you, either?"
Jesus, the large back projections just look so conceited. Not as conceited as the lowness of the crotches in their trousers.
Why is Duncan James wearing a tiny scarf?
"Surely Blue will do better" says Graham. Not if they can't do better than that.
Moldova - Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky
It's like somebody got their grans to knit them Devo hats.
This is the sort of wacky that Jedward were straining for, but couldn't, because they were trying to be wacky. Zdob ar ebeing deathly serious, aren't they? Like an Eastern European King Kurt kind of serious.
I hope they wipe the floor with Blue, and then steal their hotel keys.
The trouble with having a unicyclist on stage is that they can only go round and round. It's quite limited as schtick goes.
Germany - Lena - Taken By A Stranger
Home team. Defending champion. Another stalky-song.
Those skintight catsuits are making me a bit nervous. It's like she's being supported by the people from that grape juice advert.
This song, clearly, got through on the "well, it does nothing for me but she won last year so she must know what she's doing" vote.
@stebax just suggested 'Tainted Love without the good bits'.
Romania - Hotel FM - Change
Hotel FM? "You're listening to Hotel FM, broadcasting to Travelodges throughout the United Kingdom and Ireland..."
The lead singer is English, but sounds like he's trying to disguise his accent. Presumably because he knows how the Eurovision voters turn on the English.
He looks like someone who might get work as a David Tennant lookalike, on an afternoon when there's a lot of demand for David Tennant lookalikes.
This is the second sub-Disney "let's change the world and make difference" song of the night.
Austria - Nadine Beller - The Secret Is Love
Song eighteen. There are a lot of empty boxes on the scoresheet to come.
Rainbows in the sky. Your big opening has a line about rainbows in the sky.
Ah, I see. Because you think Mariah Carey is some sort of role model.
Still, fair play to her, she's on her own belting it out.
Oh, as I type that, more people rush on to help her.
Nadine's backdrop has floating diamonds. It's like she thinks she Snoop Dogg.
Azerbaijan - Ell/Nikki - Running Scared
Sadly, the slash doesn't mean we're getting one person with two personalities. I suspect we're not getting two people with one personality between them.
The oh-oh-oh entry bit is quite nice, in a like Enya never happened way.
There's literally nothing to this song, but it's a nice, slight beast. And you've got to love a song with virtually no lyrical content that still doesn't scan properly.
Just realised what this song is - it's The Lover Speaks, but a diet version of it.
Slovenia - Maja Keuc - No One
By law one intro film every Eurovision has to feature wind turbines. Slovenia has filled the slot this year. Is Slovenia a particularly windy nation?
Maja's dress appears to be made from the remnants of the gun metal used to forge the ships of Slovenia's brave navy. Unfortunately, the song has been made from the leftover bits of Slovenian army's training manual.
Oh, bugger. Unless something amazing happens in the next five songs, I'm going to vote for men in knitted conical hats with a unicyclist. How on earth did anyone construct an event where that's even a plausible, never mind a desirable, outcome?
While the rest of Europe gets adverts, we get a host flogging the DVD and CD of the event. Because you can't advertise on the BBC.
Iceland - Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home
Apparently the guy who wrote this died, and so these are his real friends, doing it as a tribute.
You'd have to be a terrible person to hate that, wouldn't you.
Well, it turns out I'm going to hell.
This is what Sjonni would have wanted. Just keep telling yourself that. (Actually, he would rather than had someone put a bench in his favourite park, and some money donated to the local cat's home. He wrote that down on the back of the bit of paper he wrote that song on.)
Spain - Lucía Pérez - Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao
Spain last won Eurovision in the year I was born. And I'm bloody elderly.
Three notes in, and their drought isn't going to end.
I don't know what the lyrics are saying, but this sort of tune suggests it should be along the lines of "a square is a shape with four sides/all the sides are the same/if two get longer/then you're meeting an oblong"
Ukraine - Mika Newton - Angels
With added sand painting. This is where the UK goes wrong - we should have sent Tony Hart along when we had the chance. Even Scooch could have won if they'd had Tony using a line-painting machine to do a giant elephant for the big screen.
Well, the sand painting is alright. But Mika sounds like she's trying to warn ships off the rocks.
"We are angels fearing pleasure" she screeches. Clearly Angel Delight never made it to Ukraine.
Serbia - Nina - Čaroban
Yes, yes, we get it. You're classic Eurovision. You didn't have to wear the Ready Steady Go earrings, Nina.
Actually, I really like this one.
I'm assuming this is an attempt at classic Eurovision. For Serbia, though, this might just be a 90s revival.
This can't really be the first song of the night to have come with a middle eight, can it?
Georgia - Eldrine - One More Day
Eldrine sounds like an attempt to create a faux-mythology for a Lord Of The Rings knock-off. Both the name sounds like that, and they sound like that.
It was going well for Eldrine, and then, for some reason, they decided to add the rap bit from 3am Eternal.
Still, kudos to her hairdresser; she's been pouncing around stage like a Evanescence hunting a cat and not a hair out of place.
And that's it. And the voting lines are open. Erm, still.
The cats have just been fed. Foil-tray Felix this evening; they're enjoying it more than they enjoyed Blue's entry, I'll tell you that.
Oh, so we're not getting a midway act, just the videos that introduced the bands again? Surely not.
Over on Twitter:
Face it, Twitter, you're no Terry Wogan.
Ok so based on these clips and my own judging criteria Germany win hands down
Not just no midway act, but Graham Norton reading emails over the videos. Blimey.
"You can still vote" says Stefan Hound. Well, it's not like you could be arsed to put on a big dance number like last year's hosts did, is it? What else are we going to do?
Presumably Germany feels that having propped up Europe's banking system for so long, it's not going to spring for any more goodies.
Simon LeBon's come out for Moldova.
And I know you'll be worrying, so here's Ed Balls top three:
My top three: Hungary (9/10); Serbia (8.5/10); then tie - Denmark (8/10) & Switzerland (8/10)... Go Hungary...No word yet on George Osborne's opinion on the evening, although I think he did just say "pretty sure I can hit Honkers with a bread roll, and I jolly well if he serves any more non-vintage champagne".
They're counting down to the end of voting.
The lines are closed. There is nothing we can do.
Oh, finally, with the interval act. Graham Norton is basically telling us it's going to be shit before he comes on. What's he called? Anderly? Time Delay?
Apparently he's someone famous in Germany who's just been chosen because he's had a few chart hits. Ridiculous. On that basis, we'd have sent someone like Blue to compete in the... oh, hang on...
Whoops! He seems to have accidentally come on to do Get Yr Freak On. And come dressed as an on-course bookmaker.
Terry Wogan is now trending worldwide. As is Serbia, which might be a result of their position in the running order, or is it TWITTERWISDOMPREDICTINGTHEWINNER?
You've delighted us long enough, sir. Please go back and take some last minute bets on who will win.
There's a new executive supervisor of Eurovision. Presumably after that comedy business the last one did at the 2010 contest.
They're doing a bit of comedy business. Graham Norton is making "Blue - none" jokes over the top of it. It says something that that feels like a kindness.
We're about to go into the green room. Oh, they're doing a Berlin Wall reference. That's not getting things out of proportion.
I'd quite like a sandwich now. But the votes are about to come in. It's like, referendum levels of excitement.
Oh, those poor German dancers are still clad in their condoms.
Voting first, Russia: Represented by Peter Andre in a white hat. Blue get four points, which suggests a so-so performance this year.
Russia's 12 goes to Azerbaijan.
10.27 Bulgaria - It's a Cher tribute act. Blimey, they've given 12 points to the UK. And Lee Ryan kisses the camera.
Netherlands have a botoxed mermaid doing their scores. Not a thing for the UK.
Italy, represented by the only person never goosed by Burlosconi.
The German TV people have overdubbed a beating heart on the scores.
And jesus, Blue are in the lead.
Cyprus, represented by Eammon Holmes.
The one piece of soothing balm about the strong showing from Blue is that Jedward are sinking like a one-armed goose in an oil tank.
Cyprus give their 12 to Greece, which even Greece might say was over generous.
Ukraine have got actual Ruslana doing scores. I like Ruslana.
Finland have got a woman with Marge Simpson's hair - obviously a blonde version. They've given ten to Ireland. Blue get bugger all.
Norway introduce themselves with "Hubba Hubba Europe", which makes me feel violated. One point for Blue.
Armenia's hostess is Angelina Jolie on a tight budget; again Blue get a small pointage which won't help. But so far the voting is all over the place - still wide open right now.
Macedonia's woman has got a massive corsage. Oh, stop making your own jokes up. They gave 12 points to Bosnia, which resulted in booing.
Icleand is wearing flowers round their head. They gave double the points to Jedward that they gave to Blue. All still quite close at the top.
Slovakia's host is wearing what appears to be a metallic nude dress. They give 8 to Ireland, which surprised Graham Norton. Nothing for Blue here.
Our local team now, with Alex off The One Show, padding her part, and cheering on Blue. That ship's sailed, Alex.
Jesus, people: you voted for Jedward? Ironically, that puts them close to overtaking Blue.
Denmark have got a governess calling from Copenhagen. Three for Blue, 12 to Ireland.
Austria's premier Celine Dion impersonator is giving out the scores. Nothing for Blue again. Blue are starting to slide...
I won't hear a thing against Poland's presenter, even if she has come direct from a toga party. To-Ga-T-Ga. Jedward get one point, and are sneaking up the board as Blue are creeping downwards.
A man! A man! Sweden have sent a man to tell us their scores. Bosnia leap over the UK thanks to their scoring and Ireland get 12. If Jedward rise any higher, I might have to switch my head off.
San Marino greet all their fans. The German host looks like she just wishes he'd get a move on. Azerbaijan are back in the lead; Italy get twelve, and Blue sink another place in the order.
A build your own Gwen Steffani kit gives Germany's scores - 8 to Jedward, bugger all to Blue. Mid-table is grim for Blue, but coming so far behind Jedward is going to sting.
Azerbaijan's contestant from last year is here with scores - 5 to the UK, 12 to Ukraine.
A restuarant in Slovenia has a waiter take some time off. God, he's singing. And robot-dancing. He's doing a bit of Paul The Octopus business. A joke only twelve months out of date.
The German hostess looks like her teeth are going to grind down to their stumps by the time the various small European principalities and republics have milked their moments on international TV.
Turkey, with an airline pilot (or someone who would play one in a Just For Men advert) doing the numbers - 6 to Blue, 12 to Azerbaijan who retake the lead.
"Hello, I'm in the middle of a bitter divorce" screams the eyes of the Swiss presenter. Not a sausage to either the UK or Ireland. I think we can relax our faces now.
Madonna has arrived doing the Greek results. They could have sold their votes, we'd have understood. Hang on, they gave 12 to France. Perhaps they did.
"It was really amazing" says Ms Georgia, with all the conviction of a Lib Dem minister endorsing Andrew Lansley. Their dozen goes to Lithuania. The rest of Europe had forgotten they had even turned up.
The largest hair on a male head ever seen is perched atop the French man. One to Blue; they gave 12 to Spain, which doubled their score.
The Serbian presenter could kick my ass without damaging her cantilevered hair, and I think I'd enjoy it. 12 to Bosnia.
Maddi Hayes from Moonlighting is telling us how the Croatians voted. I think we've stopped accepting votes for the UK or Ireland, now. 12 to Slovenia.
Belarus have beaten some scores out of an audience, and a woman standing in a wind tunnel is sharing them with us now. Jedward have been so left behind, they're dripping near to Blue on the scoreboard.
Romania have chosen a motivational speaker to emote the scores. 10 to Azerbaijan, who are still leading, but not comfortably. 12 to Moldova, in their pointy hats.
Albania's one coloured shirt has been provided to the geography teacher doing the scores; 6 to Blue; 12 to Italy. "Thank you, Leon" says the German woman, as if he'd given her something to think about.
The Maltese judges gave 7 to the Blue and 8 to Jedward; but it was the 12 to Azerbaijan that are significant. That's a fair gap opening up now.
I know times are hard in Portugal, but their presenter appears to be doing it in her underwear. Piddly points to Blue & Jedward; 12 to Spain.
Hungary looks like they've had a refreshing cold drink, but I suppose it's quite late there. Graham Norton has long since given up showing any interest in how Blue are doing.
Next up, Lithuania in a truly horrible shirt. He looks a bit like Nicky Campbell. Their big 12 goes to Georgia.
Haven't Bosnia already given their scores once? Apparently not. Jedward pick up 2; Azerbaijan get enough to firm their lead - just shy of 200; Slovenia get the 12 and Blue drop to 13th.
Who's doing Ireland? Derek Mooney, is it? Oh, he's put some Jedward hair on. Even Ireland went 'meh' at Blue, giving six points. Denmark got 12.
Graham Norton says Ireland were our last big hope. Only if they'd had 120 points to hand out.
Spain's lady-with-a-bun gives 12 to Italy. They're now in second place, which is fine for a country who've not been near here for years. And who entered a rotten song.
The Israeli host bloke is midway through a wedding, but breaks off to give 12 to Sweden.
The Estonian woman probably has the longest blonde hair of any score-giver in a crowded field. Sweden get 12, and go second.
The woman from Moldova has made her dress from velour. I don;t think the German directors quite understood who she was giving her 12 to, as it took a while for it move across. Romania, it turned out.
Belguim giggles as they give Greece 8. 12 to France.
Latvia, stop shouting. Stop shouting. It doesn't matter who she gives her points to, Azerbaijan win. The five votes for Blue just help them scrape 100. And ten to Ireland.
So, Azerbaijan win. Blue languish in the middle of the table, and Jedward will have discovered that their brand of "funny" doesn't travel well.
Graham Norton says its not a humiliation for Blue - really? They're not even in the top 10. That's going to smart a bit, surely. Especially after Lee Ryan kissed a camera.
They're already five minutes late for the news. Poor Lena has had to come out to give the Azerbaijani team flowers. Ell has, somewhat unwisely, started doing the encore carrying the Eurovision Prize.
Somewhat oddly, the Germans are raining toilet roll down from the ceiling.
Now, someone is going to have to explain to Jedward what's happened. They're going to be all cranky tomorrow.