Saturday, July 16, 2011

The NOTW and me: The Great Gambo

James M has been in touch to bring to my attention a story from Paul Gambaccini. Originally posted on the comments section of the New York Times, it was also picked up by Harry's Place. I hope nobody will mind me repeating the whole thing here, as its one of those stories that can't be retold too often:

In 1984, when I was a DJ on BBC Radio 1, I received a phone call at the station from a reporter from the News of the World. He told me it was in my interests to meet him.

“When?” I asked.

“Now,” he said.

I proposed a pleasant coffee shop in Soho, where I would at least get a decent hot chocolate out of this. The scumbag then informed me that the paper was working on a story it had obtained from a young man who had proved he knew me by recording a telephone conversation concerning subject matter not remotely related to the “story”.

The exclusive was that I had sexual intercourse with a number one male chart star on the floor of my kitchen during my birthday party in front of my guests, who included Boy George.

The only true part of this story was that I did indeed have a kitchen floor.

I looked the reporter in the eyes and said “When you were a boy, did you want to grow up to become this?”

I have longed for the end of THE WORLD for twenty-seven years. This week I am as happy as I have ever been. Now bring on THE SUN, THE SUNDAY TIMES and Fox News.
A handy reminder that the behaviour of Rupert's tabloids has always been stinking, before, during and after the editorship of Brooks and Coulson.

Roadmender's weekend: Arthur Lee

At the start of the century, Britain embraced Arthur Lee closely to our hearts. As a result, he'd find himself turning up in Northampton in 2004 to take to the Roadmender's stage.

[Buy: Love at the Royal Festival Hall 2003]
[Part of Roadmender's weekend]

Liam Gallagher unimpressed by King Of Limbs

Thanks to Michael M for pointing out Liam Gallagher's witty and incisive review of Radiohead's King Of Limbs:

"I heard that fucking Radiohead record ['The King Of Limbs'] and I just go, 'What?!'" he said. "I like to think that what we do, we do fucking well. Them writing a song about a fucking tree? Give me a fucking break! A thousand year old tree? Go fuck yourself!"
To be fair to Liam, it's only taken him six months to come up with "it's about a tree? what's that all about then?" At this rate, he'll be writing for Michael McIntyre within the year.
"You'd have thought he'd have written a song about a modern tree or one that was planted last week. You know what I mean?"
In pretty much the same way that you might have expected Liam to be inspired by modern music, or something created this century?

UPDATE: Thanks to the person in the comments who pointed out that the NME piece is dated March 1st. So it's just Liam being slow, but it's unfair to say he was spending six months coming up with the riposte.

Embed and breakfast man: Northampton Roadmender's

A much-more-rare-than-it-should-be hurrah for provincial venues this weekend, as we shuffle a few miles north from the No Rock epicentre to watch some bands on the Roadmender stage in Northampton.

Originally a great example of what council funding and enthusiasm can do for to create an arts centre, the thirty-ish year history of the venue has turned into a series of near-disasters, temporary closues, bankruptcy and reopenings. Wikipedia helpfully claims that it is the biggest venue between London and Birmingham, which might explain something of its longevity; you suspect, though, that it's more 'not so far from London as to be unpleasant for record company people to nip over to see a new signing early on in their tour; far enough from London to be a bit of a fag to travel down to the city regularly to see bands' might be a bit nearer the truth. If harder to paint over the door.

Anyway, back in 2009, there were Little Boots stomping all over the stage:

[Buy: Little Boots - Hands]

More to come
Arthur Lee
Kate Nash

Gordon in the morning: Is this what you wanted?

So, what might a chastened Sun look like - let's pretend that they're really chastened and it isn't all a PR apology, like it really is? For Gordon, it's a future of just churning through press releases handed to him by people working in some way for ITV. So no change, then, at the Bizarre desk.

This morning it's a claim that Beyonce is watching Coronation Street:

JAY-Z's missus even shunned a night out this week in exchange for seeing what Ken and Deirdre were up to.

She hosted a dinner as a thank you to her crew for their recent hard work on a one-off special ITV show about her.

But instead of heading out on the town after their grub they all went to SIMON COWELL's luxury X Factor dressing room, where she has been holed up watching telly between takes for the show which hits screens this autumn.
Yes, it's a twofer, plugging both the station's flagships in one.

Somewhat awkwardly, the made-up quote doesn't quite map on to the story:
A source said: "Beyonce finds the accents on EastEnders really funny. She spends half the time mimicking what they're saying in her fake British accent."
Over on Twitter, a question from @chainbear:
seeing as most Bizarre editors seem to end up in quite high places in the News Int business, aren't you a bit terrified for Gordon?
I suspect that Gordon must be busily buffing up his contacts, just in case...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Trent Reznor hates pretty Pretty Hate Machine

There's been a new reissue of Pretty Hate Machine coughed up by the record label. It's a bit repackaged, and everything.

Trent Reznor advises you not to buy it. Prefix mag explains why:

Reznor took to his Twitter account to make the following statement regarding the new reissue: "NIN fans, don’t waste your money on this version of PHM that was just released." He also called it "a record label bullshit move repackaging the older version" and told fans to "[i]gnore please." He then tweeted a link to the NIN Catalog website that describes the reissue as being very similar to the original and not remastered.
Luckily, the fans will probably have no money left after the last reissue of Pretty Hate Machine, which Reznor did approve of.

Incubus fight fans with two-bit, 8bit game

Incubus have started promoting their new album by releasing a computer game. It's an 8-bit style game in which you control the band as they, erm, punch people trying to leak their album in the face.

I'm guessing they've gone with an 8-bit look for the game because their music also sounds like it depends on ideas which were briefly in vogue in the late 1980s.

The punchline to their attempts to sell albums through violently patronising fans is that the record has, erm, already leaked. Perhaps Incubus should spend less time punching fans in the place, and look a bit more closely at their own security, eh?

[Thanks to @ttfb for the tip]

Gordon in the morning: GaGa's sticky money

Lady GaGa really doesn't care too much for money:

LADY GAGA's bank manager needs to have a stern word.

The singer has admitted she'd give her money away if she had to.
Right, Gordon. You know that something you have to do is, by its very nature, something that you have to do.
GaGa, said to be worth around £70million, blurted out in Sydney: "Money and recognition were never a driving factor for me.

"I was driven by recognition by showbiz. What does come along with showbiz is recognition, but the money goes right back into the show.

"If I had to give it all away, every dollar that I've earned, I would."
The odd thing is that, if she really wanted to give her money away... well, she could, couldn't she? My understanding of economics is that it is harder to acquire money than it is to distribute it.

Otherwise, it looks like you're trying to have your Sacher Torte served on a silver platter and eat it as well. You're Scrooge McDuck swimming in your large vat if cash, quacking about how you really don't care much for this glittery stuff at all.

Twittergem: The Elected

While we were writing about the Rilo Kiley split, long-time friend of No Rock @blowsmyskirtup was watching The Elected. And what did Blake Sennett have to say about the split covereage?

"Finally made the NME. Shit was taken out of context." And they played "Ripchord" which he dedicated to his "best friends in Rilo Kiley."

Thursday, July 14, 2011

The band tradin' as Candidate

Hmm. That didn't come out sounding as close to The Manchurian Candidate as it sounded like when I said it with a mouth full of banana.

An email, then, from a band in America, called Candidate, politely introducing themselves:

We've been compared to an assortment of bands: U2, The Cure, Radiohead, The Replacements and even Coldplay. (As a self-proclaimed rock mathematician, I stand by the statement that our lyrics at least are one billion times better than Coldplay's).
What do you get if you multiple "they was all yellow" by a billion?

I don't hear much Coldplay or U2 there, obviously (otherwise the email would have been flushed without a backward glance); to me, they remind me more of James musically with a vocal almost fighting back over the top which could almost be a bit Blue Aeroplanes-y or Cactus World News-y.

But you know what? This is the internet, and you don't have to settle for half-assed attempts to describe a camel in terms of the animals it might be constructed from. They're over on Bandcamp, awaiting your streaming ears and - if you like - some credit card details. I think you'll find it's worth the click.

Bye, lo Kiley: Rilo Kiley now just portions for foxes

It wasn't all good news yesterday - even as Murdoch's plans were falling apart, so were Rilo Kiley. And it doesn't sound like the good death the band deserved:

"I just felt like there was a lot of deception, disloyalty, greed and things I don't really want to submit myself to," guitarist Blake Sennett tells Spinner. "I had related that frustration to music but I just thought, 'I'm not going to put myself in that position again,' so I said, 'F--- that, I can't do this anymore.'"

"That being said," he continues, "it was probably immature and that came from a place of ego. I think that stuff will rear its head in anything you do, depending on the personnel you surround yourself with; things change overtime and people change and relationships change."
That's really sad end for a really beautiful band. Although... it's not quite all done and said:
"I think we're going to try and release a two-disc set of 40 songs, or something. I think that can be more considered like our last release, to me. But I don't know."
Sennett is now going to expand his sideproject, The Elected, into the main focus that it's pretty much been anyway since the end of the last Rilo Kiley tour. Keen to parse the split, Spinner points out that Kiley drummer Jason Boesel has popped up in The Elected, effectively mouthing "doesn't get on with Jenny Lewis any more".

Gordon in the morning: The second (first?) coming of Danyl Johnson

Even though Gordon Smart doesn't mention it, it's clear today's piece of X Factor related cheerleading has been obtained by nothing more sinister than a press officer begging for some space:

THE singers from The X Factor's sixth series aren't doing too badly.

Olly Murs has a decent pop career, Stacey Solomon is flogging Iceland party food, Jedward have made millions and even winner Joe McElderry is re-inventing himself as an opera star.
Olly Murs is clinging desperately as the sun sets; appearing in Iceland adverts is hardly doing well; Jedward are a punchline to a cracker nobody wanted to pull and Joe McElderly has done so badly he had go back on another gameshow. But other than that, alright.
Now Danyl Johnson is plotting his comeback with big-name help.
Comeback? Comeback from what? He hasn't come once yet.

It turns out that there's some mumbling about him "working" with "American legends":
A source said: "Danyl's management have got him working with decent names.

"They are going to try to get him a US deal before cracking the UK.

"Some US labels have seen his first X Factor audition in promotional material for the American version and they were impressed."
These would be labels of the sort that couldn't even be arsed to check the tapes of the original UK show and just happened to see a trail for X-USA, really?

Still, it's an interesting strategy - head for a country where his profile doesn't even exist rather than the one where his name generates a bit of face-pulling and a "which one was he? Which year was this? You sure you're not thinking of Chico?" I can't see anything flawed with that approach, even though it feels like shipping our landfill across the Atlantic rather than dealing with the mess ourselves.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Trudie and Sting still struggling to come to terms with their own actions

You'll recall a few years back Sting and Trudie Styler's chef brought a successful action against them for sexual discrimination:

The employment tribunal had been told that staff at the couple's country estate lived in a climate of fear because Miss Styler subjected them to abuse to make her "feel royal".

In a unanimous verdict, the tribunal members have found that Miss Martin was unfairly dismissed on the grounds of her pregnancy and had been the victim of unlawful sexual discrimination.
How did Styler take the result?
Miss Styler described the decision as "a travesty" and announced an immediate appeal.
Yes, she did. They lost that, too:
Judge Peter Clarke, chairman of the Employment Appeal Tribunal in London, said he agreed with the original employment tribunal judgment - which accused Miss Styler of using "shameful conduct" and subterfuge to get rid of Miss Martin.
Has Trudie accepted the now two judgements? Let's take a quick look at her interview with the Mail:
‘I was very wounded,’ she says. ‘I’m a champion of human rights. I embrace children into my life. Sexual discrimination? That’s something I don’t do. It was a travesty of justice.’
Yes, the victim of the story was not the pregnant woman who was unfairly sacked, and who was then forced to go through not one but two tribunals. The real victim here is Trudie Styler, who - despite the judgement of two tribunals - can't believe that she was guilty of sexual discrimination because she "embraces children". (That's the least successful use of the "I embrace children" defence since the Gary Glitter trial, by the way.)

Trudie doesn't explain how the judgement was a "travesty" - beyond telling us that she's so good it can't possibly be true. Perhaps while she's busily championing human rights she might want to think about investigating humility, too.

R Kelly: It turns out the downturn is worse than we thought

Never mind all the thousands losing their jobs, this is, surely, the grimmest news from the financial crisis so far: R Kelly is having his house foreclosed on by the bank.

You have to pity the poor realtor who gets lumbered with trying to offload that property - "yes, this room is wired up for cameras as well.

But don't worry about Mr Kelly:

A spokesperson for the singer tells the Associated Press his client is not in financial trouble.
All the while you can still afford to pay somebody to tell the people that not being able to pay a mortgage is a sign of financial problems, you're still good. Yes?

Gordon in the morning: Talking through the hat

I'm sure there's a sworn affidavit from both Rob Lockhart and the hat, who find themselves at the heart of the follow-up to yesterday's story about Liam Gallagher's missing hat.

Rob claims to be the person who took the titfer. So, Rob, has anything amusing happened to you in connection with the hat?

He said: "I took it when he came down to sing to the crowd and I stuck it in my trousers.

"Liam looked at me and said, 'Please give it back', but I told him there was no way.

"He said, 'You'll pay for this,' then grabbed me and tore my jacket before security pulled him away."
So, no, then. No actual anecdote.

Rob has a complaint, though:
The hat's only from H&M, though. I thought it would be from his Pretty Green label or something."
Good god, Rob, famous people don't wear the tat they "design". They don't even design the clothes they design.

A high street hat, eh? If that's the case, why would Gallagher have been so attached to it? I'm sure Smart wouldn't have just run a story from the first bloke to turn up waving a hat, would he?

Elsewhere in The Sun, Liam opens up to Tim Nixon about how "heartbroken" he is over what Noel said about the Oasis split.

Sorry, did I say "to Tim Nixon"? I meant "Tim Nixon heard Liam saying this on Radio One". Bloody lucky the boss didn't have the BBC shut down, eh, Tim?
[Liam] said: "I don't play games. Competition is for idiots. As long as we are taking care of our business, we'll roast anyone.

"I'm quite prepared to go head to toe verbally, physically, musically, mentally with Noel Gallagher. We've heard our new tunes and they're big, so bring it on."
Yes, Liam Gallagher did say "competition is for idiots" before setting out in detail how Beady Eye is in competition with Noel Gallagher's Magic Flying Chair. I don't think there's anything contradictory in that.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Back on the Runners: Dexys return

I don't think anyone saw this coming: a new album from Dexy's Midnight Runners. Except they're not called Dexy's Midnight Runners any more; nor are they going to be Kevin Rowland And Dexy's Midnight Runners, as they were for a spell.

Oh, no. This is 2012, and Dexys are Dexys.

It's true, as there's been a tweet:

"Dexys new album. Can't really say why, because it's hard to put down to any one thing, but it's working - it's early days, but so far so good."
There had been a reunion tour back in 2003, but this is the first substantial new material since the 1985 split.

No word yet on if the trousers have been selected for this version of the band.

Gordon in the morning: Lost and found

Worrying times for Gordon, of course, as rumours swirl about what might happen at Murdoch's ever-bleeding disaster sump. It's understandable that Smart is trying to smarten up his cv this morning with the sort of story which would fit better with a free weekly title in the provinces:

Have you seen Liam’s hat?

An investigation is under way to discover the whereabouts of the black fedora.

It was last seen at T In The Park, in Scotland, on Sunday, before a fan swiped it off the singer's head as he performed with his band Beady Eye.
Lost hat. Possibly stolen. Smart even invites readers to email him if they have any information - a turnabout from the usual model in Wapping where they'd look in your email account to see if you had any information.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: It's not like it was when Bassey was young

Is it really so strange that a Welsh person gets to number one? Apparently so, as Sian Evan's ride to the top (albeit through "featuring" on a DJ Fresh track, Louder) has forced the Western Mail out to ask Gennaro Castaldo what he thinks about it all:

Music industry expert Gennaro Castaldo said the song’s popularity was down to a number of factors, including its timing in the music festival season and at the start of the summer holidays.

“Clearly it’s getting a huge amount of coverage and a huge amount of airplay, which is one reason for why it has done so well.

“In this particular case it has also been on the ad campaign of a well-known drinks product, which has given it a huge additional profile.”

He said the music industry had changed from when Dame Shirley and Sir Tom were among the first Welsh chart-toppers in the 1960s.

Fans are less interested in following a specific artist and more driven to listen to what fits in with their behaviour as a consumer and what their friends are sharing through social media, he said.

“It’s more about the song and how it fits in with people’s lifestyles.”
You'll note something surprising here - no, not the way that he falls into the "must mention Tom Jones" trap of "talking about Welsh music" but there's no mention of HMV attached to his name. This is, I think, the first time that Gennaro has turned up without his employer's name in the copy. An editing slip-up? Or is there something we should know?

(By the way, if you're really going to stretch back to Wales' original chart-toppers, isn't Ricky Valance, who had a number one half a decade before Tom Jones managed it, a more interesting name to bring up?)

Rockobit: Wurzel (Michael Burston)

Würzel, who spent eleven years driving the Motorhead sound as guitarist, died on Saturday.

The news was announced to fans by Lemmy during the band's set at Sonisphere.

Born Michael Burston, his life was one of an army spell, building work and small pub bands until having the closest thing you can to a Walt Disney story when Lemmy is involved. He read that Motorhead had lost a guitarist, sent off a letter and tape (ask your parents, kids), and - at the age of thirty - found himself in a major band.

Burston stayed with the band from 1984 to 1995; he was unhappy after they'd relocated to America and quit shortly after Phil Taylor had given up drumming for the band.

He continued to play for a number of acts - The Guardian records a guest splot with Splodgenessabounds - but never really tried for a solo career.

Würzel died from ventricular fibrillation caused by heart disease; he was 61.

People love the BBC

Not all our media reeks like a fish that has been left out in the sun, or a bucket of KFC. The BBC has been doing some work into the value people feel it brings to their lives and has made some of the findings public. Here, for example, are the "appreciation" indices for BBC Radio (where 100= couldn't be happier):

All BBC Radio 80

BBC Radio 1 78
BBC Radio 2 81
BBC Radio 3 83
BBC Radio 4 80
Radio 5 Live 77
Radio 5 Live Sports Extra 84
BBC 1Xtra 80
BBC 6 Music 82
BBC Radio 7 79
BBC Asian Network 71
Lovely figures there, especially for, you'll note, 6Music. They were going to close it down once, you know.

Gone Bondies: Stollsteimer says that's it

Almost the last man standing from that explosion of Detroit indie, The Von Bondies are over. Jason Stollsteimer is rebranding, and moving on:

"The Von Bondies are done -- I'm the only surviving member," he declares. "The Von Bondies was never a band, it was a solo project dressed up as a band. It's because my last name is Stollsteimer -- it looks stupid. It's not like Elvis Presley or Buddy Holly. It looks stupid and it's too late to change my name now."

"I did it for ten years," he adds, "and it was amazing and lots of fun, but no intentions of doing it right now."
He's now doing business as The Hounds Below; the membership of the band beyond him, reports Spinner, is still fluid.

We've got through this without mentioning "being punched by Jack White". Oh...

JLS: surprisingly in favour of Autotune

JLS won't hear a word said against Autotune. Which is understandable, it'd be on a par with a singer criticising their larynx for JLS to attack Autotune:

Singer Aston Merrygold said: "If you get critics come and see the show, we can sing it live, so what's the problem, so it's kind of pointless for them to criticise."
Surely, Aston, if you "can" "sing" "live" (and lets be honest, the jury remains resolutely out on that one), erm... why do you need to use Autotune in a studio?

Surely the obverse would be true - if you were weak singers, you'd need to use the help live, where there's no hope of a second take?

Ortise also has a thought:
"Music has moved forward in such an amazing way, and we are in a new school generation and that generation, stuff like music effects, auto tune and sampling is part of that."
There's a difference, isn't there, between an 'effect' or 'sampling' - which takes something and makes something different, and autotune, which merely covers up the deficiency of a singer?

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with using Autotune, but JLS need to be honest that they're really just dancers.

By the way, it's touching that Ortise believes sampling - which predates The Beatles - is somehow part of the new generation.

But - hey - they're only doing what the people want:
Marvin said: "It's all about people wanting [autotune] in the music, so we will deliver it to them."
I think the most charitable translation of that is 'the audience don't want to hear our actual singing voices, so we'll make sure they don't'.

Easterhouse weekend: Go Back To Russia

It's still the weekend, just. Yes it is:

[Part of Easterhouse weekend]

Gordon in the morning: McCartney goes for gold

Gordon Smart knows that News International likes to protect a source - if necessary by getting a senior executive to wipe a hard drive or two - but surely it's taking it a bit far to grant anonymity to the TV programme on which Paul McCartney said he might be doing something for the Olympics?

During a US TV show he nodded when questioned over whether he will appear at the London games.

After quickly realising he'd given away too much, Macca added: "I met the guy who knows the guy who's going to ask somebody about it soon.

"I hear there's a rumour that I might be involved."
Well, I suppose it's a bit more understandable than Leona Lewis.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Now, that's a limited edition

The Witch And The Robot know how to do a limited edition. Their next album will involve a bit of a hike if you'd like a copy:

Fear of Mountains pt1 is the name of our new album, it will be available to buy from Hide and Horn – a little shop off The Slack in Ambleside from 1st September 2011.

If anyone does make the trip up to Los Ambleside to purchase the said album, we will also throw in a nice picture and some other treats as well, just to make the journey really worth it…

We are doing this because this is the first part in a trilogy of albums about the Lake District, it is very much a product of place and its difficult to think of a shop that sums up all of the esoteric nuances of The Lakes more then Hide And Horn.

This is their website

So that’s it really.
It would be worth the detour, but please don't ask the shop staff at Hide And Horn if they've also got Stevie Wonder doing I Just Called To Say I Loved You.

Easterhouse weekend: Nineteen Sixty Nine

More live Easterhouse:

[Part of Easterhouse weekend]

Embed and breakfast man: Easterhouse

Obviously, Easterhouse weren't from Glasgow, although their name was. They actually came from Manchester and managed three line-ups across two albums. They were brilliant, though.

Oh, and they even got back together, for a one-off gig, in 2005. One of the Smiths joined in, which is understandable. Because they sounded like this:

That was Whistling In The Dark, which is pretty much the big hit (in an indie chart sense of the word).

Actually, the appearance of Andy Rourke at their reunion also had a deeper resonance, as the band's first gig ever had been supporting The Smiths.

Supporting The Smiths. That's a hell of a start to a career.


More to come
Nineteen Sixty Nine
Go Back To Russia

Woot-gone: The News Of The World vanishes

As the Screws slithers out its last issue, time for a quick look back. There was a time when I'd pick up on the bigger music-y stories from their pages on a Sunday, but you'll have noticed that started to fade away shortly after Dan Wootton took over from Rav Singh.

This was mainly because, while Singh was a comic creation, Wootton managed to run stories that weren't interesting of themselves. Nor was his stuff presented in a way that - unlike, say, Gordon Smart's work, to take a random example - had enough personality to be worth commenting about.

In effect, Wootton's entire clippings book consists of "I really like one of The Saturday's shoes and she really likes me telling her that I like her shoes" over and over again.

You can catch up with his farewell on the digital version of the paper, where Dan sees it somehow differently:

Naughty celebrities of Britain, you can breathe a sigh of relief as I sign off today
Dan then lists his "top ten scoops". Shall we take a look?

Cue the Pick Of The Pops music, please.

10. Alex Reid claiming he was pushed to suicide by Jordan
Dan remains completely unaware that the various Jordan love triangles are, on a scale of fiction that runs from Newsnight to Doctor Who, somewhere close to Torchwood.

9. Noel Fielding revealing he took drugs
To which the world went "what? the man with the crazy eyes, funny laugh and the cloak took drugs, like nearly everyone else in his generation? Really?"

8. The slightly less illiterate two of N-Dubz have had sex together
"Fans didn't want to believe it" claims Dan. Yeah, they're all in denial like it never happened.

7. Susan Boyle's suicide hell
Dan is proud of getting Susan Boyle to open up about how she nearly offed herself when she was a teenager. He dates this report as "October 2010". What else happened to Susan Boyle in October 2010? Oh, that's right, she released her autobiography which had the same story in it. So Dan's "scoop" was, erm, a plug for a book.

6. The Royal Wedding Party
"I was the only showbiz columnist to take you inside Kate and Will's post-wedding party. It was WILD!" shouts Dan.

Really? Let's see how wild:
One highlight of the night came when [the DJ] played The Beatles' classic All You Need Is Love. One guest explained: "The song begins with a royal trumpet fanfare so all the guests gathered round William and Kate. During the fade-out The Beatles sing the famous chorus of She Loves You.

"At this point the DJ faded out the music and the guests started chanting, 'She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!' It was a very special moment. I had goosebumps."
Yes. That was wild.

5. Duncan James and Pink announce bisexuality
What Dan fails to mention is that Pink says that she never told any such thing to Dan and that the claim he printed was "made up".

4. Charlotte and Gavin split
This one makes me feel a bit sorry for Dan; the fourth-greatest thing he did at the News Of The World is a story that most people will struggle to remember ever having happened.

3. Dannii quits the X Factor
A SENSATION it was, when yet another judge on a rotating panel of judges quit. Or joined. Or quit and came back two weeks later. Still, it's not like Wootton basically relies on the X Factor circus to keep his page filled with large photos and words...

2. Cheryl moves back in with Ashley Cole
... Or maybe it is. Is this one even strictly true? Even Wootton's original story just said "spends the night in the same house as". Splendidly, Wootton is so used to misrepresenting people he can't even quote himself in a straight way.

1. Stephen Gateley dead
Fair enough, this is a proper scoop. Although it was just lucky for Dan that Gateley died on a Saturday, with enough time for a 2am change to the last edition of the News Of The World. In effect, then, Dan is most proud that the timing of young man's life being snuffed out happened to fit in with his paper's print schedule. Unless Wootton believes that the story would have remained unreported until the next edition, it's hard to see what he's proud of here.

This week just gone

This week, this is what people have read the most:

1. Too Drunk To Fuck too strong for beer ad
2. R Kelly blah blah
3. Tatu wonders why we thought they were lesbians
4. Liveblog: The last Mark and Lard show
5. Enterprise Finance Guarantee failing to help musicians
6. Noel Gallagher announces new-ish direction, still relies on Liam gags
7. AC-DC remain switched off iTunes
8. Robbie Williams fears turning into Cliff Richard
9. Video: Gary Numan and Nine Inch Nails
10. Roger Daltrey shares his insight into immigration

These were this week's interesting releases:

Memory Tapes - Player Piano

Download Player Piano

Peter Murphy - Ninth

Download Ninth

The Chemical Brothers - Hanna

Download Hanna