The world is ending the year weary, as a tiny band of tiresome-but-weaponised dullards try to run a ruler of terror across the planet.
Listen up, ISIS: Sure, you're an over-rated prepubescent wet dream that's hung around way too long.
But we've got our own over-rated prepubescent wet dream that's hung around way too long, and they're taking you on.
Jedward are touring airports to somehow counteract terrorism:
The Irish twins will embark on a series of gigs across Europe to reassure their fans that "everything will be okay".I know what you're thinking - you wouldn't trust Jedward to accurately predict the weather if they were stood outside in a thunderstorm, so to what extent is their reassurance that there's nothing to be worried about actually reassuring?
However, those wanting a performance from the duo will be left disappointed, as the two will just be meeting fans.
"We're not performing but instead we plan on defying the current fears about terrorism by reassuring our fans that everything will be okay," John told the Irish Sun.
On the other hand, what a superb riposte to ISIS. "Yeah, guys, look, we're so bothered by you, we've got Jedward on the case."
The Home Office said there are no plans to raise the threat level to Chico in the foreseeable future.